


Fear of Abandonment

by TheAntleredPolarBear



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars: Rebels
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-26
Updated: 2015-11-26
Packaged: 2018-05-03 10:42:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,669
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5287607
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheAntleredPolarBear/pseuds/TheAntleredPolarBear
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Having been left to fend for himself at a young age, one of Ezra Bridger's greatest fears is being made to go through it all again. Old anxieties resurface in the face of Hera's pregnancy, and Hera knows all too well that even Jedi need a little reassurance now and again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fear of Abandonment

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to soveryradical on tumblr for the idea.

Ezra supposes he ought to be happy for Kanan and Hera. Not that they seem to be doing a good job of that part themselves; Hera can’t stop fretting when she isn’t throwing up, and Kanan seems locked in a permanent state of what Zeb had labelled “Dad Shock.” Ezra wonders if that’s why people say you have to be happy for new parents, because left to their own devices they’re completely miserable. At least Sabine and Zeb seem capable of picking up the slack. Sabine already has several sketches and designs meant for the baby’s room (or cabin, he supposed), and Zeb is noticeably less surly than usual. Even Chopper is acting a little less shock-happy.

Ezra, on the other hand, is at the opposite end of the scale. He _wants_ to be happy. He wishes he could be. After all, he’s doing the best thing by all of them. It’s not as if they need him around anymore. But walking away from the only family he’d had in years will be the hardest thing he’s ever had to do.

He picks up his knapsack, full of everything he can carry. Darkness has fallen over Lothal, and under its cover, he hopes he’ll be able to get far enough away that he won’t be found. Maybe he’ll have to hitch a ride to another system, who knows? Either way, he’s lived alone before, on the streets and fending for himself, and he can do it again. It might even be easier with his Jedi training. As terrible as the situation is, he finds himself curious to find out.

He sneaks through the corridor and down into the cargo hold. He contemplates taking some other supplies, but he knows that the Ghost crew will need all of this. He’s halfway down the landing ramp when someone else speaks.

“Ezra?”

His shoulders hop up to settle around his ear lobes. He had _so_ been hoping to avoid confrontation on this one. He turns around slowly, looking up to find the green-skinned woman gazing down at him, arms folded and brow furrowed. She looks more concerned than angry or disappointed. Ezra _hates_ that. It would have been so much easier to leave if she’d been angry.

“Oh…hey, Hera,” he says. He’s trying to play it off nonchalantly, but it falls rather flat.

“Ezra, what are you doing?” Hera asks, sternly. She must see the look on his face, however, because hers softens. She reaches an arm out to him. “Whatever it is, we can talk about it inside. Come on.” Ezra contemplates making a run for it, but…no. Hera deserves more courtesy than that.

A few minutes later, Hera places a cup of sweet, herbal tea on the galley table in front of him. She slides into the seat opposite him. Shorts and a nightshirt, with the barest suggestion of a bump growing behind it. Her figure is a little fuller, and her eyes a little brighter. He can sense some deeper happiness within her, underneath the concern.

She gives him an understanding half-smile. “So, do you want to tell me what’s wrong?” Ezra wants to. He wants to tell her his fears, have her laugh them away and tell him that he needn’t worry at all. But…what if she doesn’t? What if she agrees with him, that it would be best for him to go? He could deal with leaving on his own, never telling anyone. Then he could convince himself he’d chosen to leave, that he’d just gotten bored. But if Hera told him, if Hera made him leave, he would never be able to lie to himself. He’d know for sure she didn’t want him.

Hera places a hand over one of his, and looks deep into his eyes. “I want you to be honest with me, Ezra,” she says.

Ezra sighs.

“I was leaving,” he says. His voice is very, very small.

“Why?” Hera asks. Her hand tightens on his, perhaps involuntarily so. Shame swirls around in Ezra’s gut, but he steels himself against it.

“Because…because I know how these things go. I’ve seen it before. Someone takes in an orphan or whatever, and everything’s okay for a while. Then they have their own baby, and orphan gets the boot. It happens every time. I’m just saving you the trouble.”

He leans back against the seat, folding his arms. He hates the look of pain and disbelief on Hera’s face, so he looks down at his steaming cup instead. The cup of tea she made for him. He grits his teeth against the tears threatening to fall.

“Ezra…you think we want you to go?” He doesn’t answer. A horrible dead feeling has filled his belly; the feeling of stubborn anxiety. He doesn’t think it, not after hearing the subtle horror in her voice. But some horrible, tenacious voice in the back of his mind is telling him it’s all an act. _You just wait_ , it says. _You just wait. They’ll get rid of you eventually_.

Eventually, he decides on a moody shrug.

“Oh, Ezra,” she says, and there’s a horrible sadness in those words. “Ezra, we’d never do that.”

“Yeah, I bet they all said that before they found their replacement,” he mutters.

Hera doesn’t reply immediately. Ezra hears her get up, and thinks he must have annoyed her. Some vicious thing in him is glad; if their relationship breaks down, it will make it easier to leave. It hurts, of course, but he knows it’s necessary to protect himself. Of course, those thoughts disappear right out of his mind when Hera sits down next to him instead, and proceeds to wrap her arms around him. Ezra stiffens for a second, but soon lets himself relax into the hug despite himself. Hera squeezes him tightly, running a hand through his hair affectionately.

“Ezra Bridger, this baby will not replace you.” He can hear the quiet rumble of breath in her lungs. “They can’t replace you, because they won’t _be_ you.”

Well, he supposes that’s technically true. “You’re not just saying that?”

“Of course I’m not. I asked you to be honest with me, and I’m being honest with you,” she says, warmly. She continues to stroke his hair, one lek resting over his shoulder. Ezra listens to the soft sounds of her heartbeat, reaching out instinctively to sense the truth of her words. He puts his arms around her in return, and she rests her cheek against the top of his head. “Kanan and I both think you’ll make a great big brother. We couldn’t do this without you, Ezra. You and Sabine and Zeb…we’re going to need all your help.”

Ezra nods. “I’ll try,” he says, his voice filled with steely determination.

“Uh! Do or do not, there is no try,” Hera chuckles. Ezra snorts.

“You don’t actually believe that, do you?” he asks.

“I don’t. But I hear Master Yoda used to say it a lot.” She gives Ezra another tight squeeze as he laughs. Then she pulls back a little to look at his face. She runs a thumb over twin scars on his cheek, and gives him a smile equal parts sad and warm. “You believe what I said, right?”

Ezra shrugs. “I guess I won’t know for sure for a while, you know?” he says, sheepishly. He can see the flicker of anguish pass her eyes, but she strokes his hair again, and nods.

“Well, as long as I can count on you to not run away in the meantime,” she says.

“I won’t. I believe you, Hera. I just don’t know for sure how you’ll feel after they’re born,” he explains. Hera nods, solemnly.

“I know, Ezra,” she says. “I’m not gonna pretend I like it, but I understand.”

“I’m sorry, Hera.”

“Oh, hush!” she says. “I’m just glad I caught you before you left.”

Ezra smiles. “I think I’m gonna try to get some sleep.”

“Good idea,” she replies. She lifts herself off the seat, and tips the tea away into the sink. “I think I’m going to stay up for a while. I’ll see you in the morning, sweetie.”

Ezra smiles, and leaves the galley, not looking back. He doesn’t see Hera sink back into the seat, and take her head in her hands, shoulders heaving with silent grief.

Zeb is still asleep, snoring loudly. The usual thing is to complain about snoring, but honestly, Ezra finds it comforting; it’s a reminder that he’s still home and safe if and when he jumps awake from a nightmare. He climbs into the top bunk, taking care not to wake his roommate. Zeb could be grumpy at the best of times, but waking him up unnecessarily is a sure-fire way to put him in a foul mood. Laying on his bunk, he can’t help but think of all those kids, the ones that got rejected. He wonders why he had been the one to find a home, and not them. It seems _wrong_. What makes him any more deserving than they were?

He shakes the thought out of his head. Musing over the will of the universe…Kanan must be rubbing off on him. Instead, he turns his thoughts back to Hera’s words. “You’ll make a great big brother.” Even if he still isn’t entirely sure, Hera made him feel so much better, and he recognises the mean little voice in his head to be his old mistrust and paranoia talking. Not that the realisation shuts it up, but it does make it much easier to live with.

Ezra smiles to himself, hidden in the darkness. He doesn’t remember being excited over the prospect of a younger sibling when he was a kid, but now some flutters of anticipation are stirring in his chest. He curls on his side, and makes himself comfortable. _I will make a good brother_ , he vows. Come Hell or high water, he won’t let Kanan, Hera, or their child down.


End file.
